I Wish I Could Be Yours
by sanosukezlilangel
Summary: umm... yeah... here's another attepmt at a fanfic, thanx for the reviews on my other ones... so here's another Gundam Wing fic! Enjoy! (this summary is crappy... .)


I Wish I Could be Yours Author: sanosukezlilangel 

All right then! This is yet another Gundam Wing fic; and as much as I told myself that I wouldn't do this, here I am, writing another couples fic with Heero Yuy and Relena Peacecraft/Dorlian. I don't know why I'm writing this since words cannot explain my utter hatred toward Relena that pacifist… but I decided to do this fic anyway.

This fic is about Heero Yuy and… oh heck why don't you just read it to find out?

Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters mentioned in this fic, not like I want to own Relena anyway… :shudders:.

Oh yeah I just wanted to say that originally, this was gonna be a songfic, but due to the fact that I couldn't find a song worthy enough to use, I changed my mind.

Enjoy the story! .

Sighing, I lay back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. As I try to drown out the city sounds that surround the hotel I'm staying in, I close my eyes and suddenly, she's there.

"Relena…"

Just saying her name is enough to make my heart ache. Relena Peacecraft/Dorlian, or Queen Relena to some civilians. To me… I sit up and prop an elbow on my bent knee, trying to find a word to describe the one my heart and soul longed for.

Unable to find one, I think back to when we first saw each other. I was in my Wing Gundam, which at the time was hurtling to Earth, and Relena was standing on the rocky shore of the ocean where my Gundam crashed into the sea. I remember being washed ashore and the first thing I did was pull a gun on her.

"You saw my Gundam, and now you must die."

Those were the horrible words I said to her when I was fully conscious. She had been so nice to me, asked me if I was okay and all I said was 'I'm going to kill you'. Then Duo arrived at the scene and shot my arm, causing me to drop the gun. I smile as I remember her yelling at him, telling him that there was no point in shooting me, and although Duo explained many a time that he was protecting her, she wouldn't allow it. I close my eyes and vision her kneeling by me and holding my arm and asking if I was okay. I shoved her away and once again, pointed the gun at her. She just didn't understand…

"Shoot her and I kill you." Duo told me, the safety removed from his gun and pointed at me.

Without a response, I turned, jumped the railing, and ran. Where I was running to, I didn't know. I just wanted to get away.

Leaning over, I pull my socks and shoes on and pick up my jacket off the chair as I head out the door. Stepping out into the rather warm afternoon, I turn left and walk, not knowing where I was going. As I stare at couples walking down the street, my mind drifts back to the second time Relena and I met.

It was at some school and it was during a break. I was relatively new and was hanging with Trowa, Duo, WuFei, and Quatre. She was with her friends talking and giggling. I could hear bits and pieces of her conversation and knew they were talking about me.

"Go over there and ask him!" One of her friends exclaimed, shoving her towards our group.

I watched her walk up to me, an envelope in her hands. She looked up at me and on the inside, my stomach knotted and my heart thudded in my chest. On the outside, I had my normal, emotionless expression on my face.

"This- this is for you." She said shyly, shoving the envelope into my hands. "It's an invitation to my birthday party."

Silently, I stare at the envelope before looking at her. Without any emotion or sympathy visible on my face, I ripped up the invitation and dropped the pieces at her feet.

"I'm not interested." I remember saying coldly as I brush past her and walk back into the building.

Nobody needed to tell me how shocked Relena was when I tore her invitation in her face. I saw her eyes while I was in that process, her blue eyes filled with tears, and still I showed now remorse for her or apologized for my actions.

Today I hate myself for being so cold toward someone I love so dearly. Sometimes I wonder what was going through my head every time we saw each other and I always vowed that I was going to kill her. Now I'm glad I didn't keep that promise. There's no telling how I would live without her.

Before I realize it, I'm in a phone booth and dialing her number.

"Hello, Peacecraft mansion. This is Pagan speaking."

I can't hang up the phone. Instead of my brain telling my hand to hang it up, it tells my mouth to say something.

"I- Is Miss Relena in?"

"Yes, Madame Dorlian is here."

My heart flutters at the response.

"May… I speak to her?"

"May I ask who this is?"

Silently, I wish that the butler would just shut up and put Relena on the phone. He doesn't know that he's torturing me when I don't hear her voice.

"Just tell her it's an old friend."

"Alright. Please hold."

I've been holding for too long, I say silently. Anxious to hear Relena's voice again, I stick my free hand in my jacket pocket.

"Hello, Relena speaking."

I open my mouth to reply, but my voice catches in my throat. What would I say to her? How would she react if I told her how I felt about her? How I loved her. More than anything in the world.

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

I grip the phone tightly as once again, I try to say something, anything.

"Pagan, there's no one here."

I hear her getting ready to hang up the phone. I can't let her slip away this time. If I didn't say something…

"Relena…" There. It had come out in a hoarse whisper, but that's better than nothing.

There is silence on the other line and I hoped and prayed that she hadn't already hung up the phone.

"H-Heero?" She sounded… surprised to hear my voice.

"Relena, I need to see you." My voice sounded stronger, giving me the courage I needed to say the things I need to say.

"Heero, where are you? Where have you been? I haven't heard from you in so long, I thought you were dead."

My heart stops. Did I just hear what I thought I heard? Relena sounded… concerned about me. Could she… I shake my head against the thought. After the way that I've been treating her, I wouldn't be surprised if she hated my guts and wished I were dead.

"…Meet me at the café on Colony 135662. That's where I am."

"W-What time do you want me there?" Her voice sounded hurried, like she was looking for something to write all this down on.

"Seven o'clock." I checked my watch. The time now was five thirty and if she still lives in the mansion, it should only take her an hour or so to get here.

I could hear the sound of hurried pen scratches as Relena wrote this down. Finally, she sighed.

"Okay, meet you at the café on Colony 135662. I'll be there."

"Good." Why did I say that? Couldn't I have said something a bit better, or nicer than that?

"Heero?"

"Yeah."

"I-I'm glad you called me. I was really worried that you were dead and if you did die I…" Her sentence trailed.

You what? You wouldn't be able to live without me? You'd be happy that I was gone? Many sentence endings floated through my mind, some good, others things I hoped she wasn't thinking.

"I'll see you at seven." Without waiting for a reply, I hang up the phone and begin the walk back to the hotel.

Promptly at seven o'clock, I sit in a corner booth of the café, waiting for Relena's arrival. Gripping the coffee cup in my hands, I wonder what she looks like now. If she'll feel the same way I do… _You idiot._ A voice in my head tells me. _A person of importance like her, love someone like you? Here's a reality check: You- Gundam pilot, murderer. Relena- pacifist, royalty. Do you see anything that would attract her to you?_

I close my eyes and shake my head against the voice. But suddenly, I stop, realizing that the voice inside my head is right. I'm a murderer. A cold, heartless murderer. Even after I vowed, after I shot Marimea… I vowed I would never kill again, but I'm still doing it, murdering people. Trying to hold back the tears forming behind my eyes, I place my head in my hands. All that along with the way I treated her so long ago, Relena wouldn't want to be with someone like me. A soldier. A perfect soldier. I take a small sip of the coffee and think about that. Exactly what is a perfect soldier? Is it a ruthless murderer, doing what is asked of him? Thwarting plans that he originally had nothing to do with and now that he's caught in the crossfire, may end up losing his life?

A single tear escapes down my cheek and drips onto the table. Its saltiness stains my lips and I quickly wipe it away, willing the rest of them to stay in my eyes. I wasn't going to cry. Never, have, never will. That's when it hit me. Maybe I am what everyone says I am. A perfect soldier. A cold, heartless soldier without an ounce of sympathy for anyone. Even…I hoped that things would never come down to this…even, Relena. What happened a long time ago revealed that to me. That and the murder of that little girl and her dog, and when I shot Marimea.

Standing, I leave a tip for the waitress on the table and leave the café. Entering the busy sidewalk, I aimlessly walk wherever the crowd pushes me, not really caring where I ended up. I could end up dead in a ditch and I wouldn't care. Even that wouldn't rid me of… this monster that I've become… As though a coincidence, I look up just in time to see a pink limo drive past where I stood, heading for the café. There was no mistaking that car. It was Relena, and she was going to see that I wasn't there.

I crossed the street and kept walking. Relena wouldn't want me, I tell myself. She's royalty and I'm just… Sighing, I slip my hands into my jacket pockets.

"I'm just a soldier, doing what people ask of me. Why me? Why not someone else? Why am I the one that must suffer."

"Heero!"

Startled, I turn and see Relena running towards me. My heart unknowingly skips a beat. So she saw me…

"Heero." She caught up to me and struggled to catch her breath.

"Relena…"

"Where are you going? Isn't the café in the other direction?"

"I don't know where I'm going." Turning, I begin to walk off.

Relena runs ahead of me, blocking my path.

"Wait."

"Relena, please. Just let me go my own way. I'm not worth your time anymore." The last sentence was barely audible and I hoped she didn't hear it.

She did.

"Heero Yuy, quit being such a-a… dumbass for crying out loud!" She cried.

I turned back, shocked. For Relena to use a word not usually heard from her mouth, she must've been pretty upset.

"You called me all the way over here, saying you need to talk to me and now you're leaving, saying you're not worth my time! What the hell…" She threw up her arms in frustration. "Heero, I'm just so confused. After who knows how long of your being gone, you call me out of the blue and tell me you need to see me. And suddenly you're just going to leave me again! What is going on!"

"I don't know. I just… All I know is that I've thought about the way I've been treating you, and how I broke my vow to never kill again…" I felt the tears reforming behind my eyes and my voice wavers slightly.

"Heero… All that is in the past. It doesn't matter anymore now that we have peace…" Relena sighed. "You're acting like a complete idiot. Why did you want to see me?"

I don't answer right away. I'm partially afraid to.

"…Because… I…" Damn it, why is this becoming so hard? Isn't this what I wanted? To tell Relena how I felt? I look at the ground. "I just don't deserve someone like you."

"Oh and what's that supposed to mean? Heero, I hate it when you close yourself up like this."

"I'm sorry." Once again, I turn and walk off.

"Heero… I LOVE YOU!" Relena shouts after me.

I stop walking, but don't turn to look at her.

"And that is why I must leave you."

"Why?"

"Because," I finally turn and allow tears to flow down my cheeks. "I don't want to end up killing someone that I too, love."

With that, I turn and break into a run, tears still cascading down my face. I furiously wipe them away and continue running. I lost my chance with the one woman that I love, but it would be a whole lot better if I just stayed away from her. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ended up having to kill her.

I'm sorry Relena. But I must do this. It's the only way I'll be able to keep whatever sanity I have left…


End file.
